after my orientation, i felt a lot of emotions
don't know how to say so i won't be saying anymore

during the 2nd day, we had our lunch at Global Kitchen, and i don't know why, everybody left the table and only left me and winnie
LOL
and we talked
talked a lot of things
that was when i felt that she's more like a friend to me then a superior though she's not my direct superior =]
i see both of us have a lot of common topics to talk about
and even kiddo and tanya said that she treat me differently compared to them
well i agree
because i also can see for myself O.O"
perhaps she's just interested in getting know more about me =]

anyway, somehow she attracts me in someway
i don't know how to say
the way how she express herself?
or the way how we commuicate?
i think?
anyway, i wanna to ask winnie something during the last day of our orientation,but HCD was closed when i walked pass
and now i actually forget what i wanna ask her
LOL
i shall wait for my brain to work well before i remember what i want to ask winnie

oh ya, my F1 pay is OUT already!
wahahaha
but i haven't go collect
hehehe
and guys, surprisingly, i haven't spend my attachment pay yet!
cool huh?!
i have yet told mirror about this, well i bet mirror will be super shock after knowing this
LOL
anyway, post to here then, i'm so not free now -.-"

♥ 7:40 PM

i received total of 7 messages from you, but i did not reply at all
i only replied 1 message to you
then you got angry with me
what got into you?
come on, i said i don't want to meet you means i don't want
and if you want to get angry, by all means
you got angry is because i said that i don't want to meet you and i'm with kiddo
what the fuck you get jealous?
i know why you want to meet me, i know you too well that i can even know what you are thinking before you speaks
and i really don't understand why you are jealous?
you know that kiddo and i are nothing
you are jealous is because you still love me etc.
you does not want me to be with kiddo as you know i like kiddo

i'm now in a fucking mood not because you are jealous and giving me nonsense
i'm now super angry and sad over..
my heart is so pain that i can't accept the way how this matter is handle
fuck man
so fuck up!
calling mirror now

♥ 10:42 PM

tomorrow i'm gonna work morning shift and tuesday is my off day
and wednesday to friday i will be having orientation o.o
then saturday and sunday i'll be working for morning shift

today, jennie is so funny, out of a sudden, she said,"ANSON! You are so CUTE!"
and and Jonah and i laughed at the same time, i really mean it, it's so sudden and her tone was a little loud ar o.o"
LOL

today, it's not a good day
anyway, i'm not in a mood to blog about how is my work today.

~ my personal life ~
i guess i'm coping it well, ever since i post the entry at 16 October 2009
ever since that day, woots i felt so ~~~
i don't know how to describe the feeling
it's unable to type out into words
it's so hard to describe everything
but i'm coping it well o.o

i told mirror about this, mirror said that you don't feel sad or jealous but it's just that you felt it's really the time to give up, and that's it.
perhaps what mirror said it's true.

♥ 7:24 PM

it's 12.33am and i'm still awake -.-"
oh my god, i have to wake up at 5am O.O"
die!
please knock me out and let me sleep
if not, there will be accidents when i'm working -.-"
=/

♥ 12:33 AM

woo hoo...
i'm blogging now, using the staff canteen as i'm waiting for kiddo
meeting kiddo for dinner
and tanya is with me! =]
haha
i saw her crocodile pillow!
oh my god, it's so CUTE!!!!
I like it, and tanya said that she will pass it to kiddo along with MINE sleeping bag O.O"
LOL
so kiddo can sleep inside the room during her break time O.O"
anyway, kiddo's a pig, can sleep as and when she wants =/
LOL

today's work is so easy ^^
as i'm at station C
not much people
but today over manpower -.-"
when not much guests, there is so much manpower
when there is so much guests, there is not enough people
what the hell right?

- INTERUPPTED -
BY TANYA QUEK!
as she wants to watch ANIME!!!!

~edited post~
came back from work already
halfway, i went out with Tanya to buy some snacks and i bought for kiddo too =]
then saw steve, but i went down to find kiddo as she's having her break, only for 10 minutes -.-"
anyway, pass her the snacks and sent her go up
oh ya, she gave me a plaster, for relieve pain etc.
chinese plaster o.o?

after which, i went off to find steve and tanya, and tanya left 1st and leave steve and me behind, and and guess what?
we saw RIZAL~~~
and we talked till 6pm before we leave the place, we talked about our attachment and how is our job etc. ^^V

practically everyone changed during the attachment,likewise me too.
oh my god, we talked and talked and talked, like never ending O.O"
but anyway, i hope everyone are doing well and surviving well for their attachment =]

take my words for real once please!
mirror does not believe what i said, due to one incident, but this time mirror said that will believe me once for real.
whatever i said before or what i had type here before i will remember, and i won't do it again.
thanks god, mirror and L believe me and supporting me all the way!!!!!

♥ 3:39 PM

okay, i'm so tired tired!!
unable to describe what is the tiredness now =/

today, worse day i ever had i think? =/
morning as usual, there are a lot a ot of PEOPLE O.O"
totally can't stop for a minute
and the worse part is i have to help out a lot of things till Jon said me =(
and he even banned me from going to the back area O.O"
sadde-d =(
LOL

- interrupted -
went down to meet Eric to collect something

anyway,the whole day of my service was super super chaotic
as there were super super a lot of people, i really mean it is really a lot
more than sunday

anyway, siva told me our new schedule
i really don't like it =/
but what to do?it's my job, i can't request much =/

oh ya, i slip today =/
sujesh saw it O.O"
so embarrassed OK?
and i got my leg injured again
damm it
damm sad
damm heart pain
like that forever my leg won't be able to recover

a qoute to shared," to gain or to lose is just a line apart, choose either one"
guess by who?
i doubt no one will know by who.

anyway, life is boring at times
but no no, think it another way, it is not
enjoy the moments ^^V

♥ 6:53 PM

today is my off day =]
woke up bright early like 8am? o.o
settled a lot of stuffs before i went out to have a hair cut =]

after which met up with kiddo, went to plaza sing watch movie
"my sister's keeper"
it's a nice show
it's a meaningful show
it's an inspiring show

the show is similar to April Bride
after watching "my sister's keeper" i have a thinking in my mind
( won't be saying out )

things are meant to be
it's not able to control by anyone
don't hold on but just let go.
i'm as good as dead now.
i'm out of words and i can't think of words

when things are meant to be kept quiet, why would you bother to ask?
if by asking, you think you know the answer, then you are wrong
if by telling, you think you got the answer, then you are wrong
if by saying, you think you got the answer, then you are wrong
apparently, you chose this way.

i'm emotionally tired
and i can't be bother with this matter anymore.

it seems that this meaning is just still a mystery to everyone.

♥ 10:26 PM

you asked me what to do, i tell you hw to do
but still you just don't heed my advice, well, clean your own ass as you created the trouble, i won't help you in this anymore.

today went to work as usual, kiddo work with the same shift together with me due to morning shift not enough people =/
anyway, next week we are going to work the same shift again =]
as for today, the whole morning was so so BUSY
i did not stop at all =/
walking and walking and walking =/
damm it, and i'm feeling so GIDDY
the area i'm working at is like a circle O.O"

anyway, i'm not in a mood to blog

♥ 7:48 PM

dump it throw it get away from it

♥ 7:36 PM

woots..today is a BAD BAD DAY =/
as there are only a few of us work, as in, total there are only 4 people working, as in the one who really know how to work, the rest are newcomers =/
totally don't know how to work at all
OH MY GOD, i really can't believe it till i see it with my own eyes, there are people really don't know how to work =/
DOTS

anyway, i won't want to update about today's work as it will just spoilt my mood though now i do not have any mood O.O"

anyway i finished work around 4plus, and went to find kiddo in the staff canteen, i accompanied kiddo to eat, she ate but not me.lol =/
then went to change, sent kiddo up give kiddo a hug before kiddo leaves for work, then winnie saw us as the lift's door open o.o

oh ya, kiddo and i will be working the same shift again =]
end of today's post

i really do not have any mood for anything now
will update longer when my mood is better.

♥ 7:22 PM

today is not a good day for me =/
coffee spilled onto my feet followed by ice water spilled onto me =/
jonah and aisha were laughing at me =/
lol
anyway, it's just a super unlucky day for me
and it's the 1st time i did not work with kiddo together, lunch.dinner together and did not send kiddo home.
woots..so many 1st time ar?=/

guess there will be more due to different timing of work
i'm dead beat =/
bye peeps.

twitter twitter twitter ~~~~~

♥ 7:59 PM

Singer: Eagles
Song name: Desperado

Try to listen to this song if you are able to find it.
NICE SONG

Desperado, why dont you come to your senses?
You been out ridin fences for so long now
Oh, youre a hard one
I know that you got your reasons
These things that are pleasin you
Can hurt you somehow

Don you draw the queen of diamonds, boy
Shell beat you if shes able
You know the queen of heats is always your best bet

Now it seems to me, some fine things
Have been laid upon your table
But you only want the ones that you cant get

Desperado, oh, you aint gettin no youger
Your pain and your hunger, theyre drivin you home
And freedom, oh freedom well, thats just some people talkin
Your prison is walking through this world all alone

Dont your feet get cold in the winter time?
The sky wont snow and the sun wont shine
Its hard to tell the night time from the day
Youre loosin all your highs and lows
Aint it funny how the feeling goes away?

Desperado, why dont you come to your senses?
Come down from your fences, open the gate
It may be rainin, but theres a rainbow above you
You better let somebody love you, before its too late

♥ 8:24 PM

4.1.9.P

today went to work as usual, 7am to 3pm =/
i almost can't wake up due to... -.-"

anyway, today i did quite a lot of things, Yoges, my in charge put 3 people under me, and i can say that i'm super SHY, because all of them are guys, it's super weird to order them to work, but lucky they are very friendly ^^

anyway, sunday is a super BUSY DAY i can say =/
super super a lot of people!
oh my god!
we were working like mad!
can't believe it's so busy till like that
my legs almost break plus my knee :(
sadde-d :'(

anyway, i'm dead beat!
shall blog till here then =/
LOL

♥ 6:10 PM

A new song sang by 丁当
Song name: 你为什么说谎

the following is the lyrics of the song
nice song =)

这次我走开 再没有话要说出来
我不想再期待走下去 还能多精彩

我不了解你怎能心安
也捉不住你的倔强
可是我知道你 你为什么说谎

你说你还在 一分一秒也没走开
我想留在这一刻时间
可是这一切已太晚

我不能再像从前一样
为我们的明天疯狂
你不必解释 你为什么说谎

你不能说我没有爱过
说我没等过难过
我也想说
也许能重来我却还是沉默

你一直问我的心到底在不在
问我怎能不遗憾就丢失了爱
而我的泪 怎么就流下来

你说你还在 一分一秒也没走开
我想留在这里 可是这一切已太晚

我不能再像从前一样
为我们的明天疯狂
你不必解释 你为什么说谎

你不能说我没有爱过
说我没等过难过
我也想说
也许能重来我却还是沉默

你一直问我的心到底在不在
问我怎能不遗憾就丢失了爱
而我的泪 怎么就流下来

你不能说我没有爱过
说我没等过难过
我也想说
也许能重来我却还是沉默

你一直问我的心到底在不在
问我怎能不遗憾就丢失了爱
而我的泪 怎么就流下来

你一直问我的心到底在不在
问我怎能不遗憾就丢失了爱
而我的泪 怎么就流下来

well, only chinese songs can really express well in everything.

♥ 8:54 PM

got my new schedule today, next week i'm gonna work everyday and thursday is my off day. and i'm in the morning shift again =/
anyway. working in the morning shift, there are good points, like you are able to go home early and rest early, provided if you are not going anywhere after work
but for me, i will choose to stay at home, because it's time for me to have my own time
to settle some stuffs that have to settle ages ago.
now it's the time to settle everything.
it sounds like fighting =/
but it's not okay?
LOL
and most importantly, is to sort out my mind
a lot of things i need to sort out in my mind.

today, after work, ate with kiddo at LJS, after which send kiddo back home as usual.
we did remain the same but but i don't know how to say
somehow there is a little different between us.
maybe i'm wrong o.o

today, there are quite a lot of newcomers, talked with them, realised that they worked at GV before, woo hoo..cool huh?
we hold the same job before,haha =]
all of them quite young, at the most also only the same age as me

get along quite well with them, well, when you are working, the most important is to able to work well with your fellow mates
well, i'm glad today is quite a smooth day for me
nothing went wrong
till my knee hit the floor =/

well, i guess not much people know how did i get my knee injure
well, the story goes...
i was at home the day before my off day, i fell down and i was holding onto my lappy at the same time, instead saving myself, i saved my lappy =/
LOL
i trip over my coffee table, and i'm really very serious, from my house phone i trip all the way to the "Fu Lu Shou" side, those to came to my house before, they will kow what i mean
till today, i really still can't believe that i actually fell down in my own sweet home =/
and L was forcing me to believe it and accept the fact that i did fall.
LOL
mirror called me and asked me,"how are you?"
i was like,"OH MY GOD! I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE I FELL DOWN!"
ann the next question was,"how long did you never fall down like that le ar?"
i was like,"eh super long, and especially in my own house -.-" "
LOL
both of us were laughing over the phone =/

end of story how i fell down

so today when my knee hit onto the floor, i was like OUCH!
IS DAMM PAIN PAIN PAIN!
OH MY, i really can't bear the pain at all
it's too pain for me to bear =/
and not only hit once, but more then 10 times i think?!!!!
because i was replenishing the fridge, so i have to knee down etc =/
and after that, when i come out from the back, the metal door hit my knee again =/
okay, i'm really very serious, the swollen is getting bigger =/
and it's super hurt!!!! :(

and i'm really very tired
well, know what i mean?
not refering to my job but........

like what i said, just let me fall and don't hold onto me.

♥ 7:47 PM

after sorting out my mind, i know what i want to do.
today, i went to marina square
met up with L
have lunch together and decided to watch movie since we are early
we watched Sorority Row
this show is very gross, L and myself keep cover our eyes, this shows how gross the movie is
overall, the show is nice, exciting and GROSS =X

after which, we walked to station, and i saw kiddo and her boyfriend
L saw them too, at first i did not saw them, it was L told me," hey that's your friend right?"
and i was like oh ya.
i saw both of them,happily holding hands and walking towards station, i think?
i was just right behind them by 1 metre only, i think? but kiddo did not see me.
i guess she is very into with her boyfriend that's why she did not notice me
and so, L and i walked to the station, i took re-bounce train, when i reached marina bay, the opposite train is still there, when i stand up, wanting to walk to that train, i saw kiddo and her boyfriend again.
she is smiling happily

i guess she is very happy when she's with her boyfriend.
that was when i felt that no matter how much i do, you will still stay strong with your boyfriend.

i wish all the best to you and your boyfriend
it's time slowly and bit by bit...to let go, if i'm able to, i hope.
but remember, i will always be there for you be it rain or shine, down or happy moments, just look for me if you still remember me.
thanks for everything, liking you 11 months is neither short nor long
but it will be the best memory in my deepest heart.
thanks once again, for the 11 months, you have changed me a lot.
i love you.
take care.

thanks mirror, always stand by me
and listen to my nonsense
thanks chris, always stand by me
and always get scolded by me for nothing
thanks M.H, always stand by me
and always lend me your ear
thanks X.Q, always stand by me
and always take care of me
thanks to everyone who always listen my nonsense =/
LOL
anyway, thanks PALS!

♥ 8:56 PM

a new skin towards my new stage of my life
not yet edit finish, so guys please do bear with my blog 1st.

anyway, i shall continue blog about the matter i post halfway.
so the next day, i typed a total of 7 messages in kiddo's handphone.

i typed: do you want to remain the same? o.o ( can you please answer my question? )
yesterday i asked you a question, and you asked me back a question, to me, i really want to remain the same, i don't know why, maybe because i love you more then i can say.no words can express how much i like you.but if you do not want to remain the same i understand and i know what to do. i ask you a lot of questions, i do not meant anything.
i have tried my best to woo you, but you and your boyfriend are still very strong, this is another form of way you rejected me.like you said before, you won't lose yourself, so i said, no matter how much i do, you will be the girl how i know you, who is attached in the 1st place when i 1st got to know you.
and you said that you have something for me, and if you do not want to give me, i understand.
no matter what, i'll be there for you, be it rain or shine, down or happy
and hope you will be a happy kiddo
hope you will reply my message, if you don't, i know what to do.

and in the night you did reply, you sent me,"heys sickoko. do do enjoy your offday tmrw. :) and and we'll remain th same. hahahas."

after recieving your message, i felt very happy, because you do want to remain the same.
but i don't know what i can do anymore

♥ 7:23 PM

going out soon after i blog finish =]
now what i'm going to blog, is my personal life
i am irrational in everything and lost in everything
well, this story i shall start on monday, 12 October 2009
the 1st day of my attachment

i promised kiddo that i will send her home after work, but i saw my sister in the train, in the end i did not send kiddo back, and i asked her to ask her boyfriend to send, and she did ask.
somehow i felt very down, i don't know why
i don't feel jealous but down.

then she messaged me after she alighted the train
and i replied back

and somehow that was when i really began my irrational
i tell her that i really want to send you home everyday, but i know i cannot be selfish because you have a boyfriend, and you should spend more time with him then me, can you just answer me whether can i send you home everyday, please don't tell me is up to me.

and she replied that i can send her home everyday
and i asked her again are you very sure?are you really very sure i can send everyday?you rather spend time with me?
and she replied she's very sure

then the following day, i start to blame on myself, why do i behave in this manner?why did i become so irrational?
and i really become very weird
i became very quiet, i don't know what to talk when i face her, i don't know what to do when i'm with her.
and that was when we really never hug so often and i did not kiss her so often too

then in the night she messaged me, i told her i'm surprised that she messaged me, because usually after i sent her home,she will message me
but that day she did not message
so i told her i thought you won't message me anymore

i began to be irrational
i really don't like the way how i behave now
and i do not want to be like that

and so i asked her are we still be able to remain the same after all these?
she asked me back do you want to remain the same?o.o

story to be continued....

♥ 9:55 AM

okay, i shall continue my post from yesterday
i was interrupted halfway while i'm blogging, but now, i cannot blog again, because i'm on the phone now
anyway, tomorrow is my off day.
end here now, if not i'm not able to concentrate on the phone.

♥ 10:34 PM

now another part of everything, because i know complains will start coming in if i'm gonna put everything in one post.
so i made it into 2 parts.

after F1, i went missing for 1 week before my attachment starts.
well, i guess not much people know why i did not go to new zealand.
i know you guys meant well by asking me what had happened etc.
well, guys, i really can say 6 OCTOBER 2009 is really a HELL day for me.
i guess only amanda and L know what i mean, as L was supporting me the whole day while amanda knew what happened all along the way
on that day, practically i was crying and crying and crying
switch off my handphone and went missing for half a day i think
no one contact me at all except L
well, i guess she's really the only one to be there for me and care for me no matter what, regardless whether she's working or out with friends she will still find her way out to look for me
i'm really very grateful to you! no matter what, you are there to support me and be there for me
THANKS!

as for wednesday, met up with amanda to go to Temaske Poly. nothing much for that day as we went there to get some information for admission, after which, we went to watch Fame.
amanda was scolding at me as i was "begging" her to eat Mega Mac!
haha, and she did eat okay? well, i ate that as well :D
something funny happened while we were eating our lunch, and i'm really serious, we can't stop laughing at all!
anyway, amanda and i were always laughing wxhenever we are together outside, i have no idea why we are like that, during F1, we were also like that, well, i guess this is how the way we communicate, i think?
she's really a great help to me, though she's younger then me, but i'm really very thankful to her whenever i need support, she will just sudden appear.
THANKS PAL!

as for thursday, my class should have a last gathering before we start our attachment, but somehow don't know why it was cancelled so last minute. so thursday i went out to yishun, the usual place where i hang out and met up with XQ.
XQ is so so funny, we kinda of catch up.
talked a lot of things and how we are getting along in our life.
okay, i know is kinda of so weird that we are talking about this as we are only 20
but this is how we communicate. :D

as for friday and saturday, met up with kiddo.

friday: i went for my dental appointment and met up with kiddo, went back to my place, i changed my bottoms and shoes and we went to marina square.
i went there as i need to sign my contract with Pan Pacific.
after which, we ate pizza hut for our lunch and watched movie.
April Bride. a movie based on true life story.
nice show i can say.
and after that, we had our dinner and as usual i sent her home before i head back to my place.

saturday: met up with kiddo around 1plus at AMK Hub, ate F&C for our lunch, but she did not eat much, ceasar salad with smoke salmon.
we bought the movie tickets, Julia & Julie.
a movie based on true story too.
the show had enlightened me a lot, likewise, April Bride too.
both had teach me something that won't be able to learn from books.
after the show, we went to eat our dinner.
i'm so sorry kiddo,i promised that i will bring you eat crabs but that day i did not due to insufficient money.
after which, i sent her home as usual.

sunday: went to causeway point for singing session.
won't talk much about the singing session, overall is nice.

as for monday: 1st day of our attachment.

♥ 8:17 PM

3rd day of my attachment~~

nothing much to blog actually,because practically everyday doing the same thing
clearing, table set up and polishing


well, people, this is what i learnt in school and now i'm really " xue yi zhi yong "
true enough right?
LOL

okay, the next thing i'm gonna blog is really everything
everything means from the start of F1 till today.
so people do bear with me, because my blog will be full of words!


previously, i post about F1 was actually a brief one due to i'm always running out of time.
now, i have so much free time, i shall post everything in one shot. =/


i worked for F1 total of 21 days.
it's neither long nor short period, i believe people who worked with me do agree too.
this 21 days i learnt a lot of things, like how to communicate with people in a more tactful way.
there are people will make things difficult for you, what you have to do is to make a decisive decision in order to get the things right back.
and i made new friends too, we were guiding one another to work well and cooperate together in order to get our job done.
though there were some unhappiness during the period, but overall, is fun and memorable.
though we were whining away about this and that, but we meant no harm, is just another way to express out our tiredness.

and especially the container days, where all of us were slightly free and we were able to slack for awhile.
in the container, we were talking a lot of things, about life and opportunities.

Life: in your whole life, how many chances will you be given? can anyone answer to this question? i doubt anyone can answer, because everyone will take everything for granted till they lost it then will realise how to cherish it.

Haizal was right, guys have to think for their future, as in when they get marry and support the family. while women once they are married, they always have a safety net to fall on who is their husbands. i agree with him, once a woman is married, their safety net will be their husbands.

as for opportunities, how many will you get in your life? well, opportunities can represent a lot of things, so you people think what kind of opportunities you want and how many you can get.
as for me, i know what i want and i know what to do.

Overall, F1 is full of our sweats and hard work. Cherish the moments we had together.

END OF POST OF F1

♥ 7:00 PM

1st day of my attachment~~~
i seems to be in the wrong hotel, because the 1st thing i did is polish the cultery o.o"
it seems like the old days when i'm working for AYG
LOL

but overal, the people over there are friendly and nice
only me and kiddo are the only trainees =/

i won't blog much today, because i'm utterly disappointed with myself.

♥ 9:58 PM

am i in the old nightmare?
i think so.
do you know that i really miss you a lot?
but today,what i'm going to blog about is not about kiddo.
and not about myself.

in reality, does true love able to withstand everything?
but why does she want to two time him?
i really no idea and no clue about it
i told my sisters about it
i felt so disgusted the way how she handle the matter
though she insist she did not cheat in this relationship but there is evidence to prove that she did

and now the guy found out, don't know who is the bastard leave a facebook message to him and now causing them to be in a mess now
but to me, i believe that it takes two hands to clap
why do you have to do this thing wen you know the outcome is that both of you will break up? do you know that everyone will feel so hurt?
its such a long relationship but its turn out to be
i can't express everything in words

i really felt disgusted in everything and everyway
i so do not want to step into relationship after seeing and knowing all these

don't you find it tiring?
i'm tire.

♥ 7:45 PM

whole day i was with kiddo
met up with kiddo at AMK hub
watched Julia & Julie
it's a nice movie based on true story

this movie had enlightened me a lot.
it had taught me something
the whole movie, kiddo was lying on me and i'm hugging kiddo throughout the show
isn't it sweet?o.o
this is sweet right?
but why do i feel my heart so sour?
because everytime when i hug kiddo, i will be reminded of something
something that i wish i won't remember at all
better still, take it away from my mind

but i know it will be there so long when i'm with kiddo
when i sent you home just now, i asked you,"what if i ask you to kiss me?"
you said,"oh okay"
then i said,"it's only a question, i won't really ask you to do it."
you said,"doshite?"
i said,"because you have a boyfriend, so i won't want you to kiss me, but i'm single so i can kiss you."

you kept quiet
why?
i love you more than i can say

yesterday when we were outside, i did not bring enough money that you have to use your's
frankly speaking, i do not want you to use your money when you're with me
you said it's okay to use your own money
but to me, i won't want you to use it
when i'm with you, i help you pay is because i respect you as a girl
and i should be the one to pay for you as this is called gentleman
especially when i'm in love with you, the more i should pay for you.

my mind is in a mess
i'm speechless and lost in this matter
i don't know how to handle it anymore
this is beyond my control

i told you before that this is my 1st time i love someone till i lost myself
because when i'm with you, i don't know what to do
because my mind will keep telling me that i could not do anything as you have a boyfriend

i'm so proud to say that i love you
but i'm also disappointed with myself
i'm just stuck in this matter
a matter that i can't find a word to describe what is it about
love or friendship or kinship?
i really have no idea

i hope someone will be able to help me to get out of this mess
but i know there is no one can help but myself

i miss mirror
mirror, do call me ASAP
i have so many things to tell you.

♥ 10:42 PM

407P
i'm just lost.

♥ 11:12 PM

when i'm lost, you will find me
when i'm down, you will cheer me up

i chose not to let you see my blog, because i know that in my blog, i can type everything how i feel.
if i did not block you, i could not type all these put, because i know that after you read it, you will type inside your blog and kinda of replying me

but what's the point?
i went to facebook just now, saw your boyfriend leave a message to you
and i'm reminded of that you have a boyfriend

no matter how much i had done for you, you will not choose to be with me
no matter how much i like you, you will still remain the same
no matter how hard i tried, you will still be together with your boyfriend and able to stay strong and last long

do you know that i really love you for real?
i'm not faking etc
i do not want myself to become like this
because i know that no matter what, you will not be together with me

renetta is back to her girlfriend who cheated her before
this reminded of me whether should i get back to my grilfriend too, who cheated me once
but i know that now i can't get back together with her because i'm loving you

i really love you but i know i have to let you go
i wil try my best to let you go
i hope i can.

♥ 12:00 PM

on august 21, you and i were strangers.
why?
did you act that you do not know me or you don't know how to face me?
and you still can take it that nothing has happen
why?
i really don't know
i'm just lost in everything.

♥ 8:05 PM

sometime in life, it's being unfair
i will just be the sinner for this time then.

i know that I'm now in a big mess.
a big mess
after attend the briefing today, i know that i will be the sinner if I'm gonna to pull out
but what can i do?

am i in the wrong?
why do i feel so pain in my heart when i know i have to leave Singapore?
why do i feel so down when i know i have to leave Singapore?
is not all because of
but is because of

do you know I'm really struggling within me?
baby said that this is the 1st time she saw me look so......
sweetheart said that this is the 1st time she saw me look so down and did not talk at all
babe said that this is the 1st time she saw me crying

i got 3 girlfriends before so i got 3 comments from them

okay, i really feel the pain and hurt so much X 10000000000000000 times
okay, i really feel the giddiness within me whenever I'm reminded of this
okay, i really losing myself over everything
I really mean it
I'm serious
I'm not faking
I'm not lying
I'm not joking
I'm not kidding

I'm really emotionally and physically tired.
just let me go and don't hold me on

I'm really sorry.

♥ 9:12 PM

when i thought that this matter could be resolve but in the end it's not
I'm still going to new zealand no matter what
i don't know how to say
my mood is upside down now
the feeling of going to new zealand is not there anymore
but i still have to go
if i pull out now, not only myself not able to go, another 2 people are not able to go too
so what to do?
i have to go no matter what
it's unfair for them if i pull out and the other 2 are not able to go
anyway, i will just pray hard that the agency won't be able to find a place for us, because i seriously do not want to go new zealand anymore.

these few days I've been thinking 1 matter, i talked on the phone with you asking you alot alot of questions that i have not asked you before.
i don't know why I'm like that
i do not want myself to become like that
every time i hug you, i just really don't want to let you go
but i know i have to
you and i said that we do not want them to tag along with us, because you find that when we are with them, I'm very far away from you
and you said that when I'm with you alone, when I'm quiet, you find that I'm also very far from you.
that night you told me, no matter how much i like/love you, you won't lose yourself.

so i said,"let me put it in this way, you said that you won't lose yourself, so it means that no matter what i do, no matter how much i love you, you won't be touched and moved, and you will be back to the very very starting the girl i know, the girl who has a boyfriend from the 1st day i know you till now, correct?"

and you said,"no"

so what does it mean?
every time i hug you, every time i send you home, every time i kiss you, i know that you aren't my girlfriend
but what does all these mean?
i told you before that these things are only when 2 people like each other then will happen, i like you, but you do not like me, but we are still like that.
you said that we are abnormal
ya i agree
but i really don't know what to do

are you seeing me as...?
what if 1 day i ask you this question, how will you answer me?
perhaps when the day I'm leaving you,you will be able to live without me, because you have your boyfriend.

♥ 4:07 PM

life is always unfair
well, if you can't make a decision, i will make the decision for you then
it's time to return to his side.

♥ 8:37 AM

~WOO HOO~
F1 is finally finally finally OVER :D
and and i finally finally have the time to blog :D
LOL

okay, let's recall during the F1 period what have i been doing =)

pre race day: i was busy with the worse staff cafeteria i have ever had, of course Weijie helped me out as he's my partner. ( i'm in day shift, he's in night shift )
we have to set up all the tables and chairs, not only that, we have to wipe all the chairs etc.
damm sad okay?
the chairs were super super duper X 100000000000000000000 times DIRTY
we still have to carry out from here to there
there were only Weijie, Samuel, Jeremiah and myself =/
we took the whole day just to set up the cafeteria =/
and it's the worse cafeteria man!
aww man..Amanda must be laughing real hard when she saw the worse cafeteria man =/

race days: Aileen, Amanda and i bunk into the hotel's room
due to HUMAN TRAFFIC JAM, we could not walk much so we went to the hotel and zzZz =)
3 of us were sleeping on the floor as we left the bed for Pat and Jett
the funniest part: 3 of us were super duper cold, so we decided to use the bathrobe to cover us
while Amanda would use some weird cloth to cover herself
but in the middle of the night, there is a blanket over us
guess who covered it us?
she's the motherly Pat Pat
so sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeet of her :D
so when we woke up, Amanda and i covered her back with the blanket we used =)

2nd night: Aileen fell asleep on the bed, so left me and Amanda slept on the floor
we were talking about everything, everything under the sun
till 1plus in the morning, so we talked around for 2 hours plus plus O.O"
we were talking and laughing at the same time
then half way, both of us heard the door is opening, and we have the common instinct is to fake sleep =/
HAHAHA
i really mean it, is common instinct, we did not say about this at first
and it was Jett came back 1st
when she went into the bathroom, both of us turned over and talked again
somehow, i don't know how we end the conversation, as what both of our mind were telling us we fell asleep while we were talking =/

last day of race day: 3 of us went back home
woo hoo....it's so so much more better to bath and sleep on your own bed :D
waited for kiddo's message and i fell asleep while waiting

post race day: nothing much already but it's all about clearing up
what i can remember is that, Amanda and i were laughing non stop from Pit cafeteria to Paddock cafeteria
we were pushing and poking each other along all the way
well, i can say the heat really getting over us =/

there are quite a number of pictures we took
it's all in the facebook le, so feel free to see see the pictures
though this year is not as fun as last year ( those who worked this year & last year ) will feel the difference, and even much more tiring, but afterall, the 3 torturing weeks are over
there are laughters and sweats, well, cry hmm i doubt so
thanks to Haizal, the head from Awesome department :D, Aileen, who i helped to cycle the bike back, Samuel our supervisior, Damien the guy who thought that could use a 19litre bottle to cover himself, Zion the girl who really really afraid of tickle and Jas & Amanda the GRID GIRL!
LOL
thanks guys, really make the F1 period so fun though everyone of us were super duper tire!
hope to see you guys soon!!!!!! :D

♥ 1:22 PM